A bathroom is more than a station for defecation. It’s also more than a location for sanitation (or lack thereof). It truly is a sanctuary, a haven, and a home for the lost and battered souls of secondary academia. Some may even suggest (with utmost deference for the founding fathers) that a bathroom is one of the most pure embodiments of the ideals with which our great nation was founded upon- life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. All are equal when they rest on the porcelain throne, all (or most) are alive, and you can bet your bottom that all are currently in the pursuit of happiness. The young and the old, the foolish and the astute, even the unsociable and the poised all draw strength from the incomparable peace that has become so commonly associated with the restroom.
Of course, some naysayers may denounce and even slander the manufactured sanctity of a bathroom. As a self-proclaimed connoisseur of such things, it is the author’s duty to eliminate these untruthful and negative connotations. This is the ultimate goal, but alas, Rome wasn’t built in a day. As a first step, the author happily presents a semi-in-depth review of all male bathrooms at Shaker High School instead.
The bathroom at Upper B wing is a curious one. The theoretical maximum capacity lies at thirteen occupants, with nine urinals, three small stalls and one large stall, yet lines begin to form with about six occupants. Lighting is poor here, and there is only one mirror and a sub-par hand dryer. The second sink from the left had a tendency to run indefinitely after hot water was run, but this problem has largely been resolved after a janitorial fix-up. On a positive note, there is always an abundance of soap, and the bathroom is only filled during morning and lunch hours. Stall poetry here tends to be the wittiest, though that doesn’t say much. The author does not advocate the writing of stall poetry.
Verdict: Not Bad
Not much can be said about Upper K wing’s bathroom. It checks the boxes, but doesn’t seem to excel in much but hand dryers. The self-conscious may want to avoid this location, as the mirror is placed in such a way that all who use it are visible in the hallway. Stall poetry here is slightly pitiful. As mentioned, the redeeming quality of this bathroom is the inclusion of two respectable hand dryers, which strike a near-perfect balance between speed of air expenditure and heat.
Behind Front Desk
If anything, this bathroom is known for being the impromptu changing room of choice for many a concertgoer that can’t stand changing in a crowded bathroom elsewhere. Lighting is good. Soap, as usual, is plentiful. A word of warning for those that venture here: the doorknob occasionally becomes stuck after closing the door. No, you did not lock yourself in the bathroom, just give the doorknob a good twist.
Verdict: In between Good and Pretty Good
Flawed, but lovable anyways. The motion sensor faucets here work really well, except for the fact that, for some faucets on the end, water is discharged at such a fast rate that the mist created when the discharge hits the sink can soak the bottom of a shirt when left long enough. This is made up for with a stellar hand dryer- not even in its prime and still one of the best in the school. The lighting does a respectable job of bringing a spacious feel to this location.
Verdict: Certified Pretty Good
Portable Restroom Outside Track
When this is outside, avoid it at all costs.
Verdict: It Can Wait
This is a tough one to nail. For one, taller occupants may not be amused by the fact that their heads stick out over the wall blocking the view of the urinals, but they certainly wouldn’t be amused if this wall didn’t exist at all. Of course, the wall could have been built higher, but where else would students put their assorted beverages? The counter? Don’t be silly. The incessant battle between paint and pen also has a strong presence here, as the wall behind the last stall is constantly being repainted due to excessive writing. This place seems to be the heart of stall poetry. The last sink in the second to last group of sinks doesn’t work very well and sometimes makes a noise when the motion sensor is triggered. This noise can be used to support a beat in spontaneous rap battles.
Verdict: Rhythm and Poetry
Music Wing Bathrooms
They’re probably locked when you need them and empty when you don’t. Have you ever wanted to listen to live music in a restroom? Too bad. The bathroom is probably locked.
Verdict: Verdict Locked